vegan tree sapposted by the vegan husband

If you’ve read Walter Isaacson’s excellent biography of Steve Jobs, or maybe even if you haven’t, you know the Apple co-founder was vegan.  And, because of his diet, he felt he would always be in the best of health.  He also felt that he didn’t need to wear deodorant or shoes to work, but that’s another story.

We know, of course, that a vegan diet did not make Jobs immune from disease and he died of cancer at age fifty-six.  If anything, being so steadfast in his beliefs kept him from having cancer treatments that could have saved his life.  Ashton Kutcher tried copying the diet in a movie where he portrayed Jobs and ended up in the hospital.

If you’re like me, you may know a vegan or two who think the same way Steve Jobs did.  “I don’t need to worry about hip replacements,” they say, “I’m vegan.”  Botox treatments?  Nope.  Gum disease or plantar fasciitis?  No and no.

Don’t get me wrong.  The vegan way of eating is healthy.  You can get all the nutrients you need from things that come out of the ground.  I understand that.  But let’s not fool ourselves into thinking that the vegan diet is a silver bullet.

For instance…

Being vegan will not keep rabbits out of your vegetable garden.  If anything, you’ll attract more varmints because they will think the quality is better.

Does being vegan mean you can’t love the Yankees?  Well, I guess not.  If that’s your problem, you have to live with it.

If a vegan cuts herself shaving or chopping vegetables, does she not bleed?

Is it easier doing 100 ab crunches if you’re vegan?  Not if you’re the beer swilling kind.

Being vegan will not ward off vampires.  The garlic has to be around your neck, not in your digestive system.

Even vegans have to take Kim Jong Un kind of seriously.

When accompanying a casserole of squash, peppers, onions, and herbs, is a red or white wine appropriate?  That’s a tough call no matter who you are.

A vegan diet will neither promote nor hinder an erection lasting four hours. Consult your physician.

You will pay taxes even if you’re vegan.

Be honest.  If Donald Trump were vegan, do you really think it would make any difference?